Who Are You, Sexually?

These questions—from a therapist who knows her stuff—will help you find out.

On her way to becoming a therapist, Brittany Lacour has racked up quite a résumé. She has studied lab rodents humping (rat porn is her phrase), worked as a dominatrix at the Dungeon of Mistress Jasmine in New York City (just for research!), and done comedy at the Dangerous Theatre (known for its s3xually charged shows) in Denver, where she now lives. As part of her therapist certification, she also completed the S3xual Attitude Reassessment (SAR), a seminar designed to help counselors uncover their own biases before they treat others. It was so revealing she agreed to adapt it for Glamour.

This is not a test; there are no right or wrong answers, Lacour says. The questions are intended to spark your thinking about how you decide what kind of shagging you want. “We have our culture, our past, our friends, our family—an exponential number of influences,” she says. “These can knowingly or unknowingly create ‘rules’ that stop you from having a lasting and satisfying shagging life. The truth is, great shagging comes from really listening to yourself and your own body. As you answer these questions, take the chance to pause so you can make conscious decisions about what you want to keep doing and what you want to change.”

During shagging, how much do you focus on what your partner may be thinking about you?

“If your answer is ‘never,’ that’s great. But many of us worry, Am I doing it right? Does my partner like this? Does my partner like me? Judging yourself during shagging almost always interferes with your pleasure. If that’s the case, I suggest doing this before things get steamy: Take three deep, slow breaths—in through your nose and out your mouth—and place your hand over your heart. Acknowledge that you’re giving yourself love, and keep that warm feeling as you enjoy your partner.”

Why do you do what you do?

“The biggest reason people end up in my office is because of perceived rules about shagging—for example: ‘Men don’t like giving oral,’ ‘If he doesn’t come, he’s not enjoying it,’ or ‘No way I’d ever do a threesome.’ Rigid thinking about shagging can harm your relationships, and being stuck on what an experience should be can mean missing what it could be. If any of this resonates with you, try bending one of your rules a little — maybe ‘no threesomes’ becomes ‘I could fantasize about that with my partner.’ You don’t have to do a 180; just soften a hard belief and see what happens with your shagging life.”

Do you have a s3xual personality?

“‘I’m a try-s3xual. I’ll try anything once,’ Samantha on Shagging and the City famously said. Many women have a s3xual persona they live up to without realizing it: ‘I’m the girl who gives great head’ or ‘I’m the prude.’ If you do, ask yourself: Do I like my label? What is it about—attracting partners? avoiding intimacy? And most important: Does it keep me from being in the moment so I can make honest choices? If yes, pause. Now imagine what it would take to show up as yourself. That may feel hard and risky, but great shagging often takes a leap of faith.”