What to Do When She's Not Interested in Making Love

Though a woman's enthusiasm for s3x can wane for any number of reasons, you can help her rekindle that desire. Here's how.

A lack of s3xual desire isn't always a clinical problem.

If the spark in your relationship seems to have fizzled, you're probably wondering what happened. Why did your partner lose interest in intimacy? Did you do something, or is there a problem between you? Or could it be possible that her dampened desire has nothing to do with the state of your relationship, and that she may be experiencing female s3xual dysfunction? With a better understanding of women's feelings about s3x and intimacy, you could help rekindle her desire.

A S3xual Problem Does Not Always Mean S3xual Dysfunction

First, men and women differ in their s3xual response: Men are more easily and clearly aroused (with an erection) by visual stimulation, while women's s3xual desire and arousal are less obvious and rely more on emotional or environmental stimulation. It's important not to confuse women's more complex or less measurable s3xual response with s3xual dysfunction. 

For one thing, lack of desire isn't always a clinical problem, according to Lou Paget, an American Association of S3xuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists-certified s3x educator and author of many s3xual advice books, including “How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure: Totally Explicit Techniques Every Woman Wants Her Man to Know.” There are occasions in a woman’s life when she just doesn’t want s3x, but that doesn’t mean she's dysfunctional, noted Dr. Paget. 

Paget said that many common views about the prevalence of female s3xual dysfunction stem from an old U.S. National Health and Social Life Study, published in 1999, in which researchers surveyed 1,749 women and 1,410 men aged 18 to 59 years old and determined that 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men had s3xual dysfunction. Paget, however, believes that the percentage for women is inflated, and that the everyday pressures of work, family, and other responsibilities might be why women answered negatively to survey questions about wanting s3x. 

In fact, a more recent study published in 2003 by the Kinsey Institute, involving a telephone survey of 987 white and black women aged 20 to 65 years old, found that just 24 percent of women reported marked distress about their s3xual relationship or s3xuality. The researchers also found that a woman's emotional health and quality of her s3xual relationship hold greater value in her s3xual satisfaction than the physical aspects of s3x like arousal or orgasm.

No matter how prevalent s3xual dysfunction is, or isn't, a s3xual problem is not considered s3xual dysfunction in a woman unless she is distressed about or dissatisfied with her s3x life. S3xual dysfunction, like s3xual response, also differs between the genders: In women, it can be subtle and individualized, unlike in men, where it can be a more obvious problem, like the inability to maintain an erection. 

What You Can Do to Help

As a partner, you can help encourage your loved one to figure out what could be the source of her loss of desire: Whether it's a physical health condition -- especially if she's experiencing pain during intercourse -- that would necessitate a visit to her doctor, or an emotional health concern, where a therapist might be able to help.

Still, talking about s3x and working on your s3xual relationship can be difficult, even when you've enjoyed great intimacy. These ideas can help.

• Pick neutral territory for a conversation. To help make it easier for your partner to open up, don't approach the topic in bed. Paget advised keeping the conversation simple -- ask just a few questions so your partner doesn’t feel overwhelmed or attacked. Start by telling your partner you enjoy having s3x with her and ask what you can do to help her enjoy it more. 

Ask about any stress or other concerns that might be keeping her from feeling pleasure. As experts at Harvard Medical School point out, physical desire can be enough to lead to arousal, s3x, and orgasm in men, but the s3xual response for women is often more complex. Her motivation for s3x may be to feel close to you. If an emotional connection is lacking because of relationship concerns, mental health problems, stress, or some other reason, her desire for s3x may lessen. 

Be an unselfish lover. Are you having s3x in ways she wants or that keep her interested, asked Paget? Don’t focus solely on your own needs. Encourage her to tell you what feels good to her. Maybe there's something about your s3x life that makes her uncomfortable or there's something she wants to try but is embarrassed to mention. Be open to what she has to say.

Help her relax. If your partner says s3x is painful, discuss ways you can help her relax before s3x. Perhaps draw a warm bath for her before meeting in the bedroom. Using lubricants and trying different positions may also help.

Let her know you find her attractive. Show her that she's desirable. Make it a point to compliment her more often -- not just during foreplay, but also at random times when you aren’t trying to initiate s3x. 

Find other ways to show support. If you know that she's under a great deal of stress at work, take on some of her household responsibilities so that you can enjoy more time just being together. 

Be gentle and supportive as you let her know you want to work together to find a solution and a new intimacy normal.