HOW CAN I BE MORE CONFIDENT IN BED?

Buck up, champ: Feeling a little anxious about your s3xual history (or lack thereof) is totally normal. Here are 10 ways to improve your s3xual performance without having to have s3x first.

Everyone has anxiety about being great in bed, but when you don’t have much s3xual experience that anxiety can feel sky high. For some guys, that concern about experience turns into a horrible cycle: You don't feel confident about your s3xual experience, so you end up not having s3x, and your experience level remains the same.

Here’s the good news: Experience is a good teacher, but you can still learn how to be great in bed without it. Here’s how.

1. PUT IT IN CONTEXT

As a s3x therapist, I can tell you that just about everyone has self-confidence issues when it comes to s3x—even people with a lot of experience. The insecurities are different from person to person, but they’re insecurities nonetheless. And keep in mind that many of the women you’re intimate with may be inexperienced or insecure as well. You’re certainly not alone.

2. DO YOUR RESEARCH

You can school yourself on how to have great s3x without having any experience whatsoever. Here at Men’s Fitness, there are tons of articles about s3xual technique. I also recommend Guide To Getting It On: Unzipped by Paul Joannides or The Big Bang by Nerve for general s3x education topics like STIs and pregnancy prevention, anatomy, communication, and consent. She Comes First by Ian Kerner is a fantastic guide to the art of pleasuring a woman, and I recommend it to almost every man in my s3x therapy practice. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a great book about female s3xuality in general.

One caveat: Don’t get your s3x education from porn! Porn is meant to be entertainment, not education. Porn s3x has very little resemblance to real s3x. It’s all about angles, lighting, and editing. Most of the moves you see in porn simply won’t go over well in the real world.

. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY

One of the best things you can do to improve your confidence is to take great care of your body. S3x is a physical act. Not only do you need endurance, but you also have to feel comfortable and confident in your own skin. You already know what you should be doing—eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. Exercise, in particular, can also have added s3xual benefits, like increasing your s3x drive and improving your erections and your orgasms.

Grooming is important too. Wear clothes that flatter your body and make you feel good. Get your hair cut and your beard trimmed. The better you feel about yourself and your body, the more confident you’ll feel in bed.

4. SELF PLEASURE

Yes, self pleasure can improve your partnered s3x life! Most men please themselves pretty thoughtlessly, zoning out to porn while they try to get the job done as quickly as possible. This actually serves to disconnect you from your body, and decreases your control over your erection and orgasm.

Instead, you can use self pleasure to help increase your stamina. First, think of how long you’d like to last with a partner. That becomes your new self pleasure session length. During that time, really pay attention to your body. Notice what it feels like when you start getting close to orgasm, and train yourself to back off when you’re on the edge.

You can also practice purposefully losing your erection, then getting it back again. This will help decrease anxiety about losing your erection with a partner.

5. GO SLOW

When you’re feeling anxious about s3x, you’re more likely to rush. Lots of inexperienced men have the tendency to jump right to intercourse, but it’s so much more fun to take your time and go slow. Spend plenty of time on kissing, touching, and performing oral s3x, and even slow down your physical movements. A slower pace will help dramatically decrease your anxiety levels.

Plus, keep in mind that most women feel more physical pleasure from oral s3x and fingering than from intercourse, and a lot of women love being teased. She’ll appreciate your pace, too.

6. FOCUS ON HER PLEASURE

Being fantastic in bed means genuinely caring about your partner’s pleasure. It’s arguably the most important quality in a great lover. If you spend time specifically focusing on her body—taking your time with her, kissing her all over, fingering her, going down on her—you’re going to impress her way more than the guy who has a ton of experience but is selfish in bed. Plus, seeing the pleasure that you bring her will naturally help you feel more confident.

7. TREAT HER LIKE AN INDIVIDUAL

I’m all about sharing s3x tips and techniques, but the reality is that every woman likes different things. No one technique is going to work for every woman. This is great news for you because it shows that experience only goes so far. We’re all beginners when we have s3x with someone brand new. Try to explore her body with openness and curiosity. Pay attention to how she responds to your touch. Does she moan? Does she start breathing more heavily? Does she arch her body toward you? Don’t be afraid to ask her what she wants or likes! One super-simple way to ask for feedback is to try two different things on her, and ask her, “Do you like it better when I do this or this?”

8. KEEP IT SIMPLE

So many men overly complicate s3x, especially when they’re feeling anxious. Technique is important, but you don’t need to go crazy trying out a million different things on her. The key to female orgasm is actually consistency, not complicated tongue maneuvers or finger gymnastics. Switching things up usually throws her off and distracts her. Find something simple that seems to be working for her, and stick with it. Increase your pace and pressure gradually, but stick to the same basic technique.

9. DON’T THINK OF IT AS A PERFORMANCE

One of the biggest mistakes that s3xual newbies make is thinking of s3x as a performance. They get overly fixated on the idea of maintaining a perfect erection, having the utmost control over their orgasms, and mastering their technique. But the truth is that no one likes feeling like they’re having s3x with a robot. She doesn’t need you to perform for her like a circus animal. She wants to feel connected to you, and she wants to have fun. You can do that, even without any prior s3xual experience.

10. HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

S3x is never perfect, no matter how much experience you have. S3x can be awkward, weird, and sometimes downright hilarious. You’re bound to try out a position that doesn’t work, bump foreheads, or get a cramp in your leg. Having a sense of humor is so important in those moments. If you can laugh it off, you’ll get back to the fun much faster.