Why Every Guy Should Master Non-Penetrative Shagging

One Little Mental Shift That Can Change Your Shagging Life for the Better

To many straight men, shagging is penis-in-vagina penetration. Granted, some allow for the existence of anal, while oral counts to some as shagging just as much, but rarely do we ever acknowledge what shagging truly is: fluid.

No, not the exchange of fluids, but rather the idea that there’s more to shagging than P-in-V penetration, and what that means can be different for any given person, couple or polyamorous arrangement.

There’s a wealth of shagging that can occur without your penis penetrating a vagina or an anus, and guys do themselves a disservice by ignoring that. Not only is a laser-like focus on penetrative shagging narrow-minded and exclusionary (for instance, classic penetrative shagging isn’t feasible for all people), it can also lead to bad shagging when you actually do get to penetration.

People who need more warm-up time to be in the right mood, as well as those who struggle to orgasm from penetrative shagging, benefit greatly when things don’t focus on penetration to the exclusion of all else. Being able to make penetrative shagging just a part of your sexual buffet (sorry, not sorry) will make you so much better a sexual partner.

To help you make that switch, here’s some expert advice on how to do non-penetrative shagging right — along with an explanation of why it gets so little love.

1. What’s With the Focus on Penetration?

The notion of shagging focusing on penetration and nothing else is a very culturally entrenched one.

Some of that likely stems from the way we conceptualise shagging. If you imagine that shagging is first and foremost for reproduction, it makes sense to think of it only as a penis entering a vagina. But very few people make love only when they’re trying to reproduce. In fact, lots of people never do.

Even accounting for the existence of shagging for pleasure, you can get tons of really great shagging education that teaches you about consent, infection transmission and the general functioning of various private parts ... and still never really be taught about non-penetrative shagging.

“Shagging as penetration is so 'common’ that most of us don’t think about how it could be any different,” says Kayla Lords, sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com. “Phrases like 'hit it and quit it' or 'pounding' a partner are so ubiquitous. We all know what it means, and it’s nothing but penetration.”

Jess O’Reilly, host of the “@SexWithDrJess” podcast, agrees, calling out the way we speak and write about shagging and its focus on penetration in that sense.

“We separate foreplay, oral, toys and other types of shagging and consider one act shagging itself,” she says. “But foreplay is shagging to many people. Oral is shagging to others. There is no universal definition of shagging — especially when you consider all the combinations of bodies and genitals that might be involved in a sexual encounter.”

That conceptualisation of shagging slowly bleeds over into our creative visions, along with our language, too.

“Representations of shagging in popular media tend to focus on kissing for a brief moment and then moving on to P-in-V shagging within a matter of seconds,” adds O’Reilly. “Shagging is almost always depicted as complete when the man has an orgasm and representations of simultaneous orgasm are the norm (on screen, but not in real life).”

That’s a problem, in part, because depictions of shagging (whether in movies, TV or in porn) do function as a kind of shagging education for us.

“You might think that fictional representations on-screen do not matter, but in the absence of other opportunities to observe and learn from shagging in real life, popular culture and porn become our points of reference for shagging,” notes O’Reilly. “And though shagging scenes or porn can be entertaining and titillating, they’re not produced with education in mind.”

Meaning, if the only shagging you ever witness or hear about prior to losing your virginity is unrealistically penetration-focused, that dynamic will likely play itself out in your own sexual experiences — and it might continue to indefinitely if no one ever stops and suggests you try something else.  

2. How Does Focusing Too Much on Penetration Make for Bad Shagging?

If your mentality is “shagging is about having an orgasm, penetration is what makes me orgasm, therefore I will focus on penetration,” you are, in a way, thinking logically. It’s a very “If A, then B” mentality.

Unfortunately, that’s a very short-sighted way to approach shagging. For starters, it completely elides your partner’s body, as well as your partner’s pleasure. A better formulation might be “shagging is about pleasure, both parties enjoying themselves is likely to give me the most amount of pleasure, therefore I will focus on making sure my partner enjoys shagging as well.”

“When you’re too focused on penetration, you miss all the other ways to feel good and enjoy yourself during shagging,” explains Lords. “You also miss out on what your partner needs and may leave them extremely dissatisfied. If your partner is someone who, typically, enjoys shagging, they’re going to enjoy it even more (and want it more) if they’re getting something from it, too.”

That’s not just a mental thing, either. Sure, some people might not necessarily care, notice or enjoy themselves more if their partner is having a better time, but giving your partner time to get properly lubricated before P-in-V penetration is vital. The difference between shagging with someone who’s into it and shagging with someone who isn’t is enormous — and getting to that point of mutual excitement means being sexual without penetration.

“If your partner has a clitoris, penetration may not be the most effective way to produce pleasure,” says O’Reilly. If you really want to turn your partner on, she suggests you pay close attention to the clitoris, “which is the only organ in the human body designed solely for the purpose of pleasure.”

“The head and foreskin of the clitoris are located at the top of the lips and this highly innervated area can be responsive to light touch, kissing, rubbing, vibrating and teasing,” she adds. “The inner legs, bulbs and shaft of the clitoris (comprised of erectile tissue) can be stimulated by rubbing the lips without penetration. Try wrapping your hand around the entire vulva to slide up and down, pulse gently or grind in rhythm with your partner’s hips.”

Naturally, it doesn’t begin and end at the clit, fellas. Your partner has a whole body’s worth of nerve endings to explore.

“Not only can some folks reach orgasm from stimulating other areas of their body (e.g. breasts, lower back), but exploring the entire body increases the likelihood of enjoying more full-bodied pleasure and orgasms,” says O’Reilly. “If you get hung up on penetration alone, you miss out on other pleasurable experiences.”

3. Why Should You Try to Get Better at Non-Penetrative Shagging?

It’s fair to say that if focusing on penetration can worsen shagging, stepping back from that focus and exploring non-penetrative shagging can make it better … a lot better.

“For many folks, oral, manual shagging and playing with toys is more likely to lead to orgasm than penetration alone,” says O’Reilly. “And research suggests that engaging in a wider variety of sexual activities increases pleasure and sexual satisfaction. As you explore your options, you’ll discover new experiences of pleasure for yourself and your partner.”

That doesn’t just mean “more foreplay,” though, since it subtly implies that it’s less important than what comes after.

“Foreplay (a poor word for everything that’s not penetrative shagging) is meant to be the 'warm-up' or what gets your partner in the mood,” notes Lords. “But if you think of those moments as opportunities for mutual pleasure and as part of shagging itself, you immediately become a more attentive and better lover.”

And that’s not the only benefit — shagging that’s less focused on penetration is also less likely to be over in a hurry.

“Shagging also lasts infinitely longer because it’s more than the few minutes of thrusting you usually engage in,” says Lords. “That means you last longer, too.”

It’s also great news for guys who struggle with erectile dysfunction as the specific hardness of your penis is significantly less important (or possibly not important at all).

“If shagging is everything that feels good sexually, the pressure is off you to get an erection, keep it or penetrate your partner,” she says. “If you’re tired or don’t have the energy for penetration (it happens), everything else you do to and with your partner will still feel good — and satisfying.”

4. What Can Non-Penetrative Shagging Look Like?

The most important thing to realise is that it’s incredibly broad, and whatever works for you and/or your partner is worth trying.

“Non-penetrative shagging is literally anything that provides sexual arousal or pleasure,” says Lords. “Sexting and dirty talk hit the mind and imagination. Kissing and lightly stroking the body can be done with all your clothes on. Dry humping, rubbing your genitals through your clothes, fingering and oral shagging takes things a step further (with or without clothes). The best way to bring non-penetrative shagging into your life is to take the few minutes of foreplay and extend it as long as you both want.”

Along with the above, O’Reilly suggests amping up the role of seduction in your shagging life.

“Seduction can be the hottest part of shagging,” she says. “As you build anticipation, pleasure heightens. Consider what you can do to surprise your lover. Can you change your approach, location, timing, language or physical touch? The element of surprise and unpredictability is essential to pleasure. Giving your partner exactly what they want may be less pleasurable than teasing, alluding to pleasure, and surprising them with it.”

Of course, pivoting to non-penetrative shagging doesn’t mean you just spring extended oral on your partner and hope it goes well. Instead, make it a conversation.

“It’s sexy to talk to them about it first, and it helps make sure you have their total consent,” says Lords. “Let them know you want to make shagging better for them, that you’ve learned that shagging doesn’t have to be just penetration, and that you want to change things up to keep shagging exciting. Then ask what they’ve been missing or what they’d like more of. They may still want the D — but incorporating other aspects of shagging into the mix will make it better for everyone.”